Knightmare Live


This was almost certainly one of the most popular events of 9Worlds and was in Cremant – the one room that could hold most people.  Thanks to being a carer to Ian I got to go into the priority access queue which meant I was guaranteed a place, however I don’t think anyone got turned away from that show.


We weren’t at the very front of the seating, but we had a good view.  The set was great, and goblins started to filter through the crowd, and the dungeon master told us that they were well trained, and asked us to offer items for the various quests.


I still had a roll of cellotape in my bag from my Worldbuilding presentation so I offered that. The goblins were impressed.  Something about circles being sacred or important – they certainly lifted it up with a ‘laaaaa’ sound.  It was given back about 5 minutes later when someone offered a light up circlet/diadem that was also a circle – that was better and it got a few laughs from the crowd – including me.


Then the show really got cracking with the Dungeonmaster Tregard of Dunshelm (played by Paul Flannery) introducing our first Dungeoneer – Darren Barnard.


For those too young to remember Knightmare Live on TV the Dungeon Master explained the rules – which included audience participation – when the dungeoneer enters the stage and asks ‘where am I” the audience repeat the line “You are in a room!”


Then the Antagonist appeared, a woman in a barbarian costume – Lord (or in this case Lady) Lilith Fear (played by Katy Schutte) with her goblins.  There was banter between Tregard and Lady Fear, and she spoke of her new rooms, one with a pitfall with snakes that have been poked with a stick, and her bumper book of anagrams in the Castle of Confusion before disappearing off again.


Darren was then fitted with the Helmet of Justice so he would be blind to the world.


“That seems unfair” Darren said.


“It is” replied Tregard. – more laughs.


“It smells funny” Darren said


“It smells of Adventure!” Tregard responded


He gave Darren a quest – to acquire a goblet.


He equipped Darren with the knapsack (Shoulder Bag! Satchel!) – explaining if he rah out of food his face would fall off and he’s die (there was a great animation on the screen) and Tregard then introduced the panellists who would be guiding him through the dungeon.


Lady Fear reappeared to say hi to the panellists, She approved that there were women on it and they chatted about everything being a quest. Lady Fear ended the chat with Bechtel! See it’s not that hard!. – more laughs because it’s so true.

Darren entered the first room.  There were floating letters (being swirled around in by crew in outfits the same colour as the background.) which was described to him. There was lots of fun trying to get the right word based on the panellists directions – especially as Darren kept forgetting his left and right and the panellists had to keep saying “Your other right!/left!”  he did it eventually and then they guided him through the wall rather than the door at the end of the room which got a lot more laughs.


Lady Fear came back and had a bit of fun with the panellists about sending Darren through a wall.  She left with the comment to Tregard a “My next room is the room of DEATH! Because it’s impenetrable! – Love you, bye!” In a chirpy tone.


The next room had a small table with some of the gathered objects – mainly knitted toys on it and a rabbit woman.


Darren introduced himself.


“Darren.  A Warrior’s Name!” the rabbit responded.  Darren says he is on a quest, an important quest. The rabbit has items that might help on the quest she asks which quest it is.


He tells her it’s a quest for a goblet.


“That’s among my top 10 quests”  She asks if he has any gold.


He doesn’t, but he offers a packet of clean tissues which are accepted.  There is a selection of stuffed toys – a chicken, a squirrel – an animal farm

There are 2 amulets of hypnosis so people cannot tell lies

There is a beacon of light so bright you go blind if you look at it

A goblet “you might like it”

And a hat – a wizards hat – “which is mine forever” the rabbit lady says.


Darren decides to take the Squirrel – separating it from it’s animal farm friends.

“You’d separate the squirrel from it’s family??”


“Yes, I’m like that”


He walks through the door this time with guidance from the panel.


Lady fear comes back and chats while the goblins perform “Admin” – changing the set – she mentions how cruel it s to separate the squirrel from his friends and how Darren is a little bit like me,


The next room has a wall with a lion face


“Hello little imp.  Hello there! What is your name?” it says




“A Warriors Name!”


They repeat the are you on a quest – what quest conversation from the previous room.  The wall’s requirement to let Darren pass through is 3 animals (of course he only has the one)


The team guiding him tell Darren that he’s on his own!


“Can I go back?” Darren asks


“You can only go forward, there is no turning back”


The wall offers darn an out. Since we are such good friends, I need friends, they are lovely, I will help you.  How about you answer some riddles?


The face on the wall then got very excited about the prospect of riddles.


First Riddle:  What goes around the world, but stays on the cover. – the panellists answered this easily – Are you a stamp.


Correct! The face roared.


Riddle 2


James and Christian are born to the same parents on the same day, but they are not twins.  What are they


The panellist answer that they are triplets.


For laughs, the wall says I’ll tell you a secret:  there’s a hole in the wall that you can use instead of the door.


Lady Fear returned while the goblins performed a little more “admin”, talking about lions and the wall and making another Bechdel joke, she left Tregard a Gift – Pickles the helper elf, who kept repeating the obvious much to Tregard’s frustration.


The next room was a time trial – Darren had to get a banana into the knapsace (satchel!!!) before the animated face on the wall fell off. He then picked up the spy glass so he could ‘spy’ on Lady Fear.


Lady fear is talking about her newest and most difficult room with a knight that can’t be stopped, but he does have one critical weakness – he slows down if looked at directly. They put the spy glass down before Lady Fear can detect the spy.  He enters the room and manages to get the knight to drop a scroll.  He picks up the scroll but fails to quite make it to the door in time, and the knight ‘kills’ him


The scroll goes to the panellists – it is a scroll of time.


Darren is given his certificate of `participation


A new dungeoneer is chosen from among the audience and she has to make it through the room with the knight.  Slightly cheaty she keeps tilting her head back so she can see!  She naturally gets through the room pretty quickly.


Lady fear returns and on the surface appears to be nice to the new dungeoneer – a girl called sarah. She takes her for a little walk off the stage and up the central aisle.  Then she runs away laughing the floor is lava!!  Sarah has to walk on coats to get back to the stage as per the panellists directions and Treguard’s info.  The audience is very generous in donating coats, one of which is leopard print and Tregard claims as a mantle (and jokes he’s already roasting under the stage lights).  Lady fear says he looks like a sexy snow leopard, and Treard questions her on her continual references to animals.


She makes it back to the stage safely.


Lady Fear reveals that she is Actually Michaela Strachan!, and boasts about the naturalists she’s bumped off – Terry Nutkin, Steve Irwin (too soon! Someone shoudted – It’s not too soon given it was years ago).  Bodger was a two for one!


They all then go into the final showdown, the room of blades which Sarah gets through with remarkable speed, and is much better with the lefts and rights.  The panellists do not need to use the scroll of time.


Sarah got her participants certificate, the credits rolled and the performers were applauded.  It was a LOT of fun, and I’ve not been able to do it anywhere NEAR enough justice here.