Dr MagnetHands with Grant Howitt at 9 Worlds


So, the last thing on my Saturday Schedule after Knightmare Live was Dr Magnet Hands – Ian was dead keen to catch at least one of the two showings over the convention, and knowing what our energy levels were like, we opted for the first one.  This is a Roleplay game with audience participation – the audience all write things and items on scraps of paper that are used to guide the plot, which is a pretty simple – the heroes have to stop Dr Magnethands’ latest ploy, facing a few bad guys on the way, and then facing a big bad at the end with sidekicks.  This is made all the more funny because being a late night showing alcohol is allowed, and one of the participants was clearly drunk before we started.


He started with the BEST intro I’ve ever come across for UTTER and COMPLETE neutrality – it’s brilliant :D


They-dees and Gentle-thems!!!


Dr Magnet Hands introduced himself to the crowd – an evil doctor with magnets for hands (hence the name) And Last (but not shortest) I’m going to Impeach the President (if only! – but it drew some laughs).


I’m going to destroy….


“The Whitehouse?” – Grant tosses it. “Hmm something less problematic…”


The UN! From the Moon! On Christmas day! Because I cannot stroke kittens with magnets for hands and they have an Itty bitty kitty party!


“The camera pans down on our superheroes hideout”



It’s a HQ – they don’t want to hide – that’s what the villains do! (from the panel)


“I hate you.”


The Hero’s are introduced!


(the panel take slips of paper and almost unanimously start howling with laughter)


We have – Sarah the Skink! Whose superpowers are the Dildo of healing! And Grant Howitt. (this was later swapped around to be Grant Howitt with the dildo of healing and Sarah the skink lol)


Our second Superhero is: Grant Howitts arms! Which are armed with coconut gas and Stanislav Petrov – the only person to prevent a nuclear war by not pressing a red button!


Our Third Superhero is a Plague Dragon who coughs up lava and parallelograms.


Our fourth (and the person knew who had penned these and also told them she hated them) is coconut water three times over.


Coconut water (being massively drunk) Immediately declares PvP against Grant Howitts arms.


Coconut water is told to re draw – and gets 3 owls, a TV phone and one if blank she tears all the bits of paper up


Dr Magnethands appears “This is a DRM Free game he jokes.”  Grant takes on an false eastern-european-ish voice


Hello.  I am Dr Magnethands. I’m not sure where you came form but you useless bastards can’t stop me.  I will kill every kitten in the Un as I can’t touch a kitten because I have magnets for hands see! (he tries to clap his hands and they are repelled by the magnetic forces).  I have gathered the best villains to stop you from stopping me!


(Two audience members were invited up and asked to pull slips of paper) the drunk panellist tried to nick the one cosplaying Rincewind the Wizzard’s wizard hat which was funny but I disliked how the audience egged her on to drinking more when the panellists were so clearly trying to stop her)


So our villains trying to stop our heroes were:


The empire snake building! With all the powers of a plains garage!


Goji Berries! With the tallies of Europe (it’s from the portal of Eurovision cores)


It was at this point the salamander changed their identity – they were really Grant Howitt with super salamander skillz!


Grant Howitt and Grant Howitt’s arms took on Goji Berry who’s superpower is the ability to smell remorse. They drop Luton airport on him because one of them doesn’t give a shit about remorse. The drunk party member realised they were ‘dead’ because they’d ripped up their superpower pieces, so The empire snake building was recruited to the team.


The heroes set off for the moon!


The plague dragon flies.


“Aren’t you very ill?”


“I’ll work it out as I go?”


The party are assailed by a woman’s prison that was on the moon but has been ejected into space at our intrepid heroes.


The plague dragon is squashed into a parallelogram.


The dildo of healing is lobbed at the women’s prison by Grant Howitt.


“Are you STILL me?!?!?!?!”


Grant face palms.




“I walk in there with a massive dong.  The women are no longer ill, but when they crash down onto earth (and are perfectly fine) they are super happy.


Our intrepid heroes make it to the moon and have to face:


Dr Magnet Hand’s hot step brother and Eric his fairy godmother and the Drunk player’s fridge full of fucking wine.  Grant had a swig of vodka (the prize for taking part in the game/show)



“Who wants to fuck up the fairy godmother?” Grant yelled.


“Shit she knows Kung Fu!”


The empire snake building beats the fairy godmother with an overwhelming number of snakes.


The snakes are useless because they are dirty and the fairy godmother had antiseptic wipes!


Grant Howitt takes on the hot step brother with Grant Howitts arms – tying the arms together.  Another panel member then uses zippomancy to make the hot step brothers trousers fall down and trip him up.


The godmother preens.


“Cool? Yeah, Kill him!”


Grant Howitts arms choke the fairy godmother with coconut gas.  The fairy godmother retreats.


The drunk member (they were named on the paper slip, but I won’t name them here)’s fridge was defeated by the skink.


Dr Magnethands monologues to them as they approach his radioactive rocket powered castle – “You will never defeat me!!  You have my elite force before you!!”


Dr Magnethands is on the balcony of his cut out castle which is painted green, and he’ sitting on a cut out green lion as he does this.


Our elite villains are:


Randy Rainbow!


Stop Motion SFX and




The Plains garage (formerly the empire snake building) wants to fuck shit up (which came with a monologue with the poor mechanic trapped inside called glen!)


“For my freedom, I will kill him”


The team take on the rainbow


“Why is it always the gays?” it cries paintively


Plains garage tells Glen that he needs to take out Eyeshadow because “Eyeshadow betrayed me!”


“I was bored”.  Glen kills Eyeshadow!


The team meanwhile are Plotting!


Grant Howitt takes on Stop Motion SFX – the motion  fails!


The parallelogram jarbles the motion picture by squirting a bottle of lube at his feet.


With only Grant Howitts arms left versus the rainbow wrester.


This leaves Grant Howitts arms a dilemma – do they beat a queer man to death or do they find a non violent method of defeating them?


Grant Howitts arms hive the queer man a hug!


The rainbow fields an Embarrassment of Riches (all people called Richard)


“Get me out of this show nightmare!”


Rainbow wrestler re-draws. Jason Statham! Approaches the load of dicks.


Alright, lets be having you!


Dr Magnethands, throws up his hands, retreats – no one can beat Jason Statham!  And gets himself some magnetic kittens so he can, finally, tough them.

The End




So, a LOT has been lost in translation – it was another of those shows where you HAD to be there! But hopefully this was an amusing read


The drunk participant on the panel was fun, but at some point they went a bit overboard, and it was an education to watch Grant cool them down, and get them to sit down in a really lovely but firm way.  I was also glad to hear later that friends looked after her and made sure she was somewhere safe when she did pass out.  It one of the reasons I like 9 Worlds – it’s filled with GOOD people.



Also: Damn you Grant. I bought your Trash Kin mini RPG on the pop up vendor stall and now I’m creating a whole world in space devoted to Trash Kin, and Loosh Kin (the aliens who dump their rubbish there) and a story revolving around the loosh kin wanting to clean up the world for the trash kin not realising it’s killing them off!


….watch this space for Trash kin fic???